Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating is for suckers who are spending a lot of money and aren't getting any.

   thinks our exit strategy for Iraq should involve "leaving" through Iran

   so... when does everybody think the sun will blow up?

   walking through the forest dressed as a deer

   wondering why people who work at Tim Hortons are SLOW? I mean come on are you that screwed up in which you actually have to ask someone if they "would like a tray" for those 5 coffees they ordered. Use your brain people!!!

   : BREAKING NEWS.... Scientist have discovered a cure for apathy, but no one seems to care.

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   was a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   fairly certain the only reason that so many stupid and obnoxious people are still alive is that murder's illegal

   wonders if "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, does that make "I Do" the longest sentence?

   heard the Washington Bullets want to change their name to something not associated with crime. They're just gonna be called the Bullets.

   find that job you love and never work a day in your life

   Mondays aren't so bad...it's my job that sucks.

   spends 90% of his salary on booze and women... the rest I just waste

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

   Guys are like roses. You've got to watch out for the pricks.

   Men are only as loyal as their options.

   my wife is so immature... I would be in the bath and she would come home and sink my boats

   Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

   It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.