Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose

   1 day of coal for 364 of fun... I'll take my chances

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   going over his plans for world domination and all those who have crossed him in the past will be unmercifully slaughtered....have a great day!!

   says I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   When the story first broke…and the police said they couldn't figure out where Tiger was going at 2:30 Friday morning…was I the only one thinking, ‘Hello!?!?! Walmart!!!'

   - Ok, so you say I shouldn't drink and drive. I understand that part, but then how the f*#@ am I supposed to get home?

   I knew that I could outdrive Tiger Woods

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   I wonder if crematoriums give discount to people who die in a fire?

   dear Santa, let me explain...

   I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people;17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

   Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!

   If you were this awesome, your name would be X as well.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!

   never meddles in the affairs of dragons, for he is crunchy and good with ketchup