Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Do bone spurs keep someone out of jail? I'm asking for a friend.