Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.

   "My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.

   I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.

   I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"

   I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

   Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.

   Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?

   [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

   People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"

   Enjoy poverty, Daniel Pantaleo. Hahahahaha, I don't feel bad for you one bit!

   reading rob zombie's name is a real wild ride. at first you're like "rob? ok, I know what we're dealing with here". then things get weird

   UBER: Oh, we're halfway there ME: Ok, good U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer M: What? U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand M: Oh god

   Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos?? 17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you. Me- go to your room.

   I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

   Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer