Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka

   eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   it's one thing for Tiger to promote Nike and the slogan "just do it," but it's another thing to live by it.

   I have found that if you love life... life will love you back

   puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   pu ton your yalmulka, here comes hanukkah, it's so funukkah to celebrate hanukkah!

   wishes the government would take pennies out of circulation already. Giving you my 2 cents everytime you've said or done something stupid has left me broke. Glad you're rich though.

   Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

   reportedly "in a relationship" with tiger woods.......

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   just bought a new game for my x box, its about a black man who drives around crashing cars sleeping with hoes and fighting with people, its called tiger woods PGA tour 2010

   Why is it you can smoke in a tobacco store, but can't drink in a liquor store?

   and they all laughed at my snuggie! who's the cold fool now?

   Dear Winter, I think we should spend some time apart... I'm gonna try to work things out with my ex, Summer...