Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I plan to only eat aberdeen angus beef for every meal in January. aberdeen angus beef that has been slain by my hands. my BARE hands!

   I never thought I would live to see the day that someone made a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group...

   People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

   you have the voice of angel, you sound like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

   As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings > Privacy > Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything. Copy this to your status to warn your friends.

   Electricians even know that there are "male" connectors and "female" connectors on wiring and such. You can try plugging "male" to "male" or "female" to "female", but it's a ludicrous effort.

   doesn't matter... golf is still boring.

   thinks the armed forces needs to enlist ninjas..who's ever looking for a ninja?

   sorry 2009 but I'm going to have to file a restraining order on you. You're going to have to stay at least 365 days away from me. You caused to many problems.

   wonders if Cash4Gold would give me money for a bottle of Goldschlager!

   What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T? A coconut silly.

   wmen get their belly button pierced cause its a good place to hang the air freshner.

   Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(

   there are 70 ways to make a woman happy: No.1 is shopping & the rest is '69'. Its that simple! :)

   wonders if climate summits could be the cure for the dreaded swine flu. The epidemic seems to have totally disappeared since Copenhagen started...

   So the baby was watching Dora The Explorer today. For some reason, they were making donkey noises. My first thought was Dora had been deported and was now in Tijuana doing a "show" with a donkey! Glad I was wrong.

   I'm shaking my laptop trying to figure out what's in the presents under my virtual Christmas tree..

   not a flinstone but i'll make your bed rock

   down at Fraggle Rock!!

   thinks Christmas must be near. Just found a partridge in one of the pear trees on Farmtown