Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ... But it cheers you up when you let off a nice silent one and walk away........

   I am relaxed and its FREAKNG me out !!!!!!

   some people are living proof that manure can sprout legs and walk!!!!!

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth...

   I think sweatshirts and sweatpants should be called something different. Who was the idiot that said, "hey, let's name this garment something that let's everyone know that it's purpose is to soak up bodily fluid!" That's DISGUSTING!!! Perspire attire?!?!?

   Santa: If you ignore my actions during weekends (& sometimes the workday) and all the Vicodin I took, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months, I was a good boy, which makes me 50% good. It's up to you- see the glass half empty or half full. Do the right thing!

   I've always disliked the IRS, but now I wonder if I've had them all wrong. They sent me a letter stating that they were going to start garnishing my wages at the beginning of the year. That is so thoughtful. Wonder what they'll use....paprika, parsley, ch

   still waiting for that change.....

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try and dribble a football.

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try and unboil a hard boiled egg

   giving you his home made yule log this season. I'm mmmmmaking it nnnnow. I'll get it to you when I get out of the bathroom.

   you know what amazes me? .....that people would rather believe the mayans prophecies about 2012 then believe in a god that made the universe... doesnt seem quite right to me...

   According to a to a recent UCLA study, surfing the Internet stimulates the brain. And certian sites stimulate other parts of the body.

   the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

   y do women wear white on there wedding day? so the dishwasher matches the fridge and the stove;)

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try dribbling a football

   congratulates Tiger Woods on the 2009 PGA Playa' of the year award.

   climbed to the top of Mount Everest and said hey I can see my house from here

   out spreading Christmas Cheer by streaking at sporting events.

   Dear Santa: if you ignore all my actions during weekends and all the alcohol I drank, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months I was a good boy, wich makes me 50% good...It's up to you to see the glass half empty or half full