Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   getting OLDER remembers when he needed glasses to see blackboard , NOW he needs them to see SCHOOL !!!

   Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

   Internet postings show that the Northwest Airlines terrorism suspect was depressed and lonely. Apparently the thought of arriving in Detroit just put him over the edge.

   Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

   would like to take all of the warning labels off everything toxic and weed out the stupid people in my life

   New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

   Most folks are gonna stay up til midnight to see the new year in.....I'm gonna stay up to make damn sure the old year leaves.

   Remember when the terrorist had the bomb in his shoe? That's the reason why we've gotta take our shoes off at airport security now. This most recent terrorist had the bomb in his underwear. Enjoy your flights - I'm going commando now...

   If there weren't geeks in this world, then there'd be no cool people. I'd like to thank all the geeks.

   wondering how to get blood and coffee stains off the ceiling

   ..New Year's Resolution: Drink More. Fall Down Less. She'll put that to the test tonight.

   ..if i.....if I remember new years eve, then there is something seriously wrong.

   not a fan of becoming overweight and bald, but is even less of a fan of doing something about it.

   using reverse psychology for the New Year. Since wishing people a “Happy New Year” has not brought people much luck throughout the years, she has decided to turn their luck around and wish them a bad New Year so……Have a bad New Year everyone!!!

   Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us. Now we have Obama but no Hope and no Cash

   determined to break into the Porn Industry in 2010. I'm not going to listen this time to anyone who says I'm over qualified!

   says the funny thing to do is get in a elevator where everyone is going a couple floors up and let a silent one go and watch peoples faces

   How do you change the world? One single act of random kindness at a time. Everyone needs to forget about unrealistic New Year's resolutions... Pledge to do something you can actually do daily and it works: Be nice to others.

   • Do you know one good thing about Monday? ...I can't think of anything either. OK Monday, here I come.

   shocked by the attempted plane bombing. After all those emails about lotteries and wealthy strangers who want to transfer hundreds of thousands to my account, he thought we could trust the Nigerians.