Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   Life is like a baseball game. When you think a fastball is coming, You gotta be ready to hit the curve.

   ♫ Twatwaffle ♫ is the new ♫ Hot Pocket ♫....sing that next time someone pisses you off and I guarantee you aren't going to be pissed for very long.

   I would go to Hell but Satan has that restraining order

   I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook!

   WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

   Are both your parents retarded? Because you seem very special?

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   notices we never read any headlines even remotely similar to this: "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

   watched a documentary about topiary last night. It was real cutting hedge stuff.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but sometimes it's good to see who cares enough to break them down.

   Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark

   In the 80's we had Reagan in office. We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have Obama in office and we have no Hope and no Cash...