Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 613 of 6446

He has the skin tone and the brain of a goldfish.
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09-04-2019 22:57
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How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.
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09-04-2019 16:20
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The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."
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09-04-2019 07:41
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people worry about their "summer body" but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years
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09-04-2019 07:31 by Eddy
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When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.
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09-04-2019 01:40
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If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends
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09-03-2019 17:16
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Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.
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09-03-2019 06:54
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My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.
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09-03-2019 03:08 by Joe
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Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.
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09-03-2019 03:08 by Joe
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The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.
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09-02-2019 20:47 by Jsabbage
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What's everyone doing for Labor day? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and mow the yard, make some chicken stew and get to the mattress store so I don't miss the BIG sale!
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09-02-2019 09:14
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If you're wondering what my secret to success is. You can find it under Facebooks settings then scrolling down to where it says deactivate account.
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09-01-2019 21:43
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And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!
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09-01-2019 17:43 by Barber
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Wish there was a way to turn horrible books back into trees.
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09-01-2019 08:53 by Moon
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A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.
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08-31-2019 20:17
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If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screen shot.
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08-31-2019 20:15
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Just found a app on my new phone that tells you which of your friends and family are slightly narcissistic. Its called facebook.
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08-31-2019 03:38
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My buddy was playing a drinking game where he’d take a shot of whiskey every time Trump lies. His funeral is Tuesday.
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08-30-2019 08:19
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If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
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08-29-2019 23:47
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Five years ago today, Barack Obama wore a tan suit, the biggest scandal in presidential history (rolling eyes back).
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08-29-2019 07:18
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