Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.

   There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?

   Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.

   I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.

   The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.

   Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

   Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”

   I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.

   An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career

   It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.

   *adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil

   If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

   After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.

   My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

   Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

   I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I'm in Solitaire confinement.

   Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

   Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.