Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

   I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I'm in Solitaire confinement.

   Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

   Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.

   If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

   horrifying if literal: the electric slide

   Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

   Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it. I think about this a lot

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

   me: raises hell Hell: put me back down!

   *first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?

   in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

   Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.

   [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???

   Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food. I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over. It's survival.

   If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

   How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.

   In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.

   Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.

   Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.