Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 611 of 6446

Garfield: I hate Mondays Therapist: You don't even have a job
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09-06-2019 08:20
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With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.
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09-06-2019 04:34
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
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09-06-2019 04:33
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I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.
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09-06-2019 01:09
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For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.
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09-05-2019 20:42 by DJJackson
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There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?
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09-05-2019 18:21
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Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.
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09-05-2019 15:41
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I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.
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09-05-2019 15:12
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The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
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09-05-2019 12:13
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.
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09-05-2019 12:12
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Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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09-05-2019 12:11
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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”
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09-05-2019 12:11
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.
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09-05-2019 12:10
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An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career
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09-05-2019 12:10
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It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.
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09-05-2019 12:09
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil
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09-05-2019 12:09
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If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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09-05-2019 12:08
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After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.
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09-05-2019 08:27
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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09-05-2019 06:27
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