Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me when I was a kid but now they just whisper something stupid I did two months ago.

   Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

   Worst thing about visiting an art gallery is when my 10 year old nephew yells 'who arted' and I feel I failed as I should've thought of that joke

   When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

   I'm just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

   good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

   My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

   No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don't want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

   It's with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all! My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y'all or him. So, I'm gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber ..

   Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

   Trump: “a great leader like me always keeps his opponents iin the dark”. Also Trump: “I think I’ll tweet a dozen times about my China trade strategy and exactly how it’s working”.

   Sorry, but sleeping with someone named "Stormy" doesn't make you an expert on hurricanes.

   If you grew up playing “lawn darts” with your siblings, your parents had too many kids and were trying to thin the herd.

   Garfield: I hate Mondays Therapist: You don't even have a job

   With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.

   I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber

   I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   I went to KFC yesterday and when I was done licking my fingers, I offered to lick other peoples fingers. Long story short. I need bail money.

   There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was is name o. So was Bingo the name of the dog or the farmer ?