Funny Status Messages

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   This just in from ESPN. The woman Ben Roethlisberger assaulted is pregnant. The big news is Mel Kiper already has him as a first rounder in his mock draft.

   I told you officer, I cut the a** out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. No, I don't know who crapped on your car.

   Semi-colons don't get enough credit. They should be re-branded as super-commas...

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   I don't even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

   FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though...

   30 minutes? I want to hear that from the pizza. Put the pizza on the phone!

   I'm picturing you naked right now. Airbrushed, Photoshopped and digitally enhanced, but totally naked...

   Your dependence on oxygen is where our similarities end...

   it just me, or is Tim Tebow already the most talked about white Bronco sine OJ and AC?

   Yo mama's so fat that when she was cremated, half of the flights to Europe were cancelled..

   Plagiarism on FB is getting really bad...I made my status "Going to Work" and within a few minutes, over a 100 people stole it...

   I'm hopping in the DeLorean with the Doc to travel back in time to Wednesday to buy a Powerball ticket. Between the other winner and I there will be $258 million dollars and one full set of teeth.

   I just realized I make the same noises when I eat pizza that I do during my "happy time"

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, but Jack ran out of breath, undaunted Jill got up her will and she went down with Beth.

   oh dear... I seemed to have lost my diet instead of the weight...

   Please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up. DO NOT DO THIS IT IS A SCAM.

   Fast food drive thru 5 me 0, can you get my order right please!