Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rental advertising terminology: Cute=OMG, my closet is bigger than this. Charming=houses still had dirt floors when this was built. Close to transportation=right next to the railroad tracks. One month FREE=your neighbors are crackheads.

   thinks people need to quit confusing Facebook with a clothes line. It is not a place to air your dirty laundry.

   Don't hate cuz I'm good; hate cuz you can't compete...

   If you don't like me remember it's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.

   Hating is the sincerest form of flattery...

   Last night a horse came up to me and told me not to drive home................... Now that I think about it, there might have been a cop sitting on top of it.

   Kevin says: " Ive been poking this girl on facebook for a while.... But I dont get it.. All I do is poke her, and thats it.. no conversation, no thank you... no nothing.. WTF? :]"

   Instead of studying for Finals I am currently putting together my audition tape for the next season of Jersey Shore...Not Glee...I have standards...

   a plethera of useless knowledge. In other words I would so win at Jeopardy!

   Instead of going thru all the trouble of getting in shape I think I'll just adopt a catchey nickname like "THE OVER WEIGHT LOVER HEAVY J"

   scouring youtube for the naked videos that somehow make it through.

   drunk dialing but luckily my mom stopped me. Thanks MADD (motha's against drunk dialing)

   about to mail my check for $1500 to nigeria for the $15million lottery I just won! Cya later SUCKAS!!

   Today I have decided to wear my goody-two shoes. Yes, they are uncomfortable and NO, you can not borrow them...

   Its amazing how many of Darwin's biggest obstacles are allowed the privelage to drive on our roadways in this day in age.

   some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.

   My childhood self would be surprised I'm not playing with knives and fireworks, just because I can

   I should really turn my cell phone's voice recognition dialing off. I accidentally called Jesus Christ 24 times today. He's getting pissed...

   Canceled my trip to Arizona because my dog doesn't have papers...

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.