Funny Status Messages

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   Clinton ruined a dress Obama ruined a nation!

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   FOL = Fart Out loud

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.

   Just joined a new group...DAMM: Drunks Against Mad Mothers

   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

   When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.

   Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   Insanity is hereditary ... you get it from your kids.