Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean I won't want to throat punch you the next time I see you. Thought you should know.

   The janitor at my gym sees me naked more often than my wife does. And he's a more attentive lover.

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   Darn I just realized I missed the Grammys again which now makes like 10 years in a row.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.

   When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.

   I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.

   trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

   A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

   Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

   I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

   *me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs

   Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...

   My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he's been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

   Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

   Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

   My phone autocorrected "gym" to "fun" so I threw it in the trash bc it's obviously broken.

   Does anyone know the cheat code to set life to easy mode?

   Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.