Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahhhhhhhh, those carefree days of yore when we could pick a frilly dandelion puff from it's roots and blow them into the wind. NOW IT'S ALL OUT FRIGGIN' WAR!!!!! Kill the dandelions! Kill Kill Kill!!

   Cherish your dreams ,as they are the children of your soul,the blueprints of your ultimate achievements.

   Since switching from PC to MAC, my computer never goes down on me :(

   refuses to "lather, rinse, repeat". Seriously... how dirty do they think my hair gets?!?

   Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

   sometimes I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

   Arguing about Facebook is so Myspace.

   What I meant to text: 'sweety pie'. What I actually texted: 'sweaty pig'. Proofreading: it can save relationships.

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   F*ck the real world,let's all just be pirates!

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Some people are put off when I greet them with a kiss. Maybe I should use less tongue?

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Somebody make her a dude so I can punch her!!

   I've downloaded the Darth Vader voice and labeled my final street destination "Your M0m" Just to hear: now turning on y0ur m0m

   Sex is like Jenga: you pull out and try not to make a mess

   What's another word for word?

   I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!

   Yes, I know the muffin man, Why who wants to know?

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.