Funny Status Messages
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I disliked Obama before it was cool.......Yes I did! 
"This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the cl!toris is
In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"
..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x
I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.
I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...
Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!
Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.
Here I sit, all broken hearted. Had to sh*t, but only farted. Till one day, I took a chance. Tried to fart, and sh*t my pants
Time to go foot race the homeless man again! If he wins I give him $50. He's got faster since I first started doin this
Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."
Create me a phone that, when I get a call from someone I do not like, it goes straight to voice mail. When they do, I will then accept it as a “Smart Phone.”
1 Hairspray and 2 tons of make up still dont replace brain!!!
I think the american people should be allowed to show the BP executives and some of these clowns in our government just what a true "JUNK SHOT" is
Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!
thinks that bread is to ducks as dollars are to strippers, ya feed one and three are waiting next in line..
dear mum and dad I dont know how you did it but thanks for making the sexiest creature alive!!
Two girls, one cup.........The Williams sisters at Wimbledon.
it sexual herassment if a midget tells you your hair smells good? 