Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our last fight was my fault:  My wife asked me,  ‘What's on the TV?'  I said,  ‘Dust.'

   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

   If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque book

   the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, do her doggie style! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

   Drinking Non-Alcoholic Beer Is Like Going Down On Your Cousin, It Tastes The Same But It's Just Wrong

   reminds you that the proper abbreviation for Sex and the City is SATC2, not Sex...Stop inviting me to go watch sex with you.

   Listening to Jimmy Buffet all day is giving me some unproductive ideas that might get me fired.

   I wonder if children who stutter are the result of pregnant women using vibrators.

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

   changed his profile picture. Now I look a little less ugly

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   Summer! Summer! Summer.. you make us beautiful and free spirited! ☼

   A man has been admitted to hospital with HYPOTHERMIA AND FROSTBITES after he was left CHILLING at HOME for the whole day by his wife! A COLD CASE FILE has been opened!

   I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!

   In response to using hay as an option to absorb the oil spill, Joe Biden said today that it was a great idea, and the seahorses and seacows would likely enjoy the delicious hay....

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   It's pretty hot today, but I'll take the heat over the cold any time. Heat = slight sweaty discomfort; drink cold water as needed. Cold = Physical pain of the extremities; sit in a hot tub and dont get out until spring .

   I can't get enough minimalism