Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die.

   bp should practice what they preach, Seen at every BP gas station is a sign that reads "Do not leave pumps unattended, you are responsible for spills"...

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.

   Respect must be earned by a sitting President these days.....

   I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   Grilled by the media contantly in recent weeks, authorities have stated that they had been following failed "Times Square Bomber" Faisal Shahzad for months, but only on Twitter.

   Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep, it was an open casket funeral.

   Former President Bush suggested invading the "Gulf of Mexico" to control the BP oil spill. He also proposed forming a mercenary force made up of BP executives and oil rig operators called "The Coalition of the Spillin'

   BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Kills Al-Qaeda's Number 3 for Nine Thousandth Time

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town

   ever sat in the parking lot at walmart and honk at random people and watch their reaction? hahaha

   I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   hey you..............yes you....................stop staring at my status you perv

   While asking for support over the oil spill, I had a interview with a mermaid and she shouted "Obama doesn't like sea creatures!"... awkward silence

   The rest of the world loves soccer. Surely we must be missing something. Uh, isn't that what the Russians told us about communism? Soccer blows.

   looking forward to July 12th... England 4?5?6? - USA 0

   can't believe he's not butter!