Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahh..Monday, so we meet again... You dirty b*tch

   It's so adorable how MySpace keeps sending me reminders to come back.

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

   I think that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

   thinks that the inventor of the auto-response phone system should be put to death - but they have to choose their own death from a menu of options.

   Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it ...

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your laptop with you.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   isn't sure what's worse...the massive amount of oil gushing into the ocean, or the massive amount of BS gushing from BP executives.

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)

   Look out Mr. Boss Man, I had a Barney, two Wilma's and a Deeno before I came in so, let's get this show on the road, buddy-boy

   Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination

   You know you're getting old when you prefer nut clusters to marshmallows in your cereal.