Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, I have to stop yelling at this TV like the Celtic players can hear me! It's not making them play better and it is making me hoarse.

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father

   life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning how to dance in the rain!

   ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   You know since my son was never born, seein' as how i've never actually had consensual sex without money being involved, i've always considered you to be, well, something I could live next door to in accordance with State law

   Even God hates BP! Lightning struck the tanker today and started a fire!

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt... hehehe suckers!!!

   Police and doctors are fun to watch on TV. Just look at all the shows. In reality, its not as fun when they all watch you. You either done something wrong or something wrong has been done to you.

   Thinks that if I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

   wants you to know that you have my undivided, continuous, partial attention.

   not a OBGYN. But, I will take a look!

   when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers..

   always relates everything he does with sports even when he's not watching or playing sports, well if anyone wants to know the score for today's game it was the Lawnmowers 42, Frogs 0."

   went to his first gambling anonymous meeting last night.. They gave me 2:1 odds that I won't make it...

   There are 10 types of people in the world...Those that understand Binary Code and those that do not!!

   I figure there are 3 types of people in this world....Those that can count, and those that cannot!!

   All my friends who have Girlfriends want to be single... All my friends who are single want girlfriend friends... As for me, I just want a slave...

   The idea is to die young as late as possible