Funny Status Messages

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

   When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures. I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

   The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

   Me: *Eating eggs* Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting

   One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.

   concierge: the lift is broken sir I think your friend has taken the stairs me: when's he bringing them back?

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...