Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.

   why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache?

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   For me the end of the world was when I had to start working for a living.

   I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too.

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   let's get married but instead of kids we have nachos!

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   Nothing's driving me insane. Insane is in the passenger seat screaming for it's dear life.

   Being unattractive is just playing the dating game on hard mode.

   There is no more horrible death than the one of a poor tree that ends up being a Twilight book.

   I'm doing 'Mexican Yoga' tonight. It's just sitting at the back of a regular yoga class with a bottle of tequila.

   When I said I'd give you multiples I was talking about my personalities.

   McDonald's is like if Ke$ha were a restaurant.