Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A smile is a sign of joy. A hug is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me…Sh*t, that's just a sign of good taste!!

   Opportunity knocks but once... if Opportunity knocks twice...Opportunity walks in and steals your TV set

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while on my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Of all great losses in life, Time is the most irrecoverable. It can never be redeemed.

   I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment I am happy..

   World Cup 2010 Winner is Arge███████ loading 73%

   Ok England fans...you were saying?...."sounds of silence"

   4-1 Germany over England LOL....guess "YOUR" sport has passed you by...

   England fans : If it makes you feel any better, the cricket team is doing well against the Aussies...

   Did you ever notice that all lesbians look like Justin Bieber?

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice.

   Don't spend your night watching porn and eating cheese balls

   How do you save justin bieber from drowning? YOU DON'T

   I believe in angels, The kind that heaven sends, I am surrounded by angels, But I call them friends.

   hoping that "number six" is the charm. Have another Slim Jim, Mr. Cheney!

   not say that my ex-wife is psychotic but Freddy Kruger asked me to hide the sleeping pills.

   Every illegal immigrant we catch here...We should harvest their stem cells, organs, bone marrow, bones,skin,and Eyes...Bet they won't be so froggy to jump the boarder when they see a guy with a dialysis machine standing there saying I want his kidneys!!!!

   I wonder if Toyota sent BP a Thank You note

   Dear Walmart: If your employees "appear" to be incredibly overweight, they ought to know that fitting in to a size 2 gives the wrong impression of your organization. I do not enjoy viewing what looks like to be a belly button when I approach an employee.