Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
←Rate | 10-23-2019 05:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau."
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon turning my gender off to conserve energy
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie. His new catchphrase? “I’ll be back....with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon friend: wyd? me: working friend: and wyd after? me: sleeping for work tomorrow
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: What did you do for fun in college? Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon me: what makes you angry pirate: when someone steals my p
←Rate | 10-23-2019 04:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 21:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
←Rate | 10-22-2019 18:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only in a Volkswagen bus does it take 20 extra minutes to get gas after being stopped by people who wanted to reminisce about their Glory Days!
←Rate | 10-22-2019 14:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true
←Rate | 10-22-2019 11:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  




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