Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   If you're just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, "Is this really all there is to life?" and the answer is no! There's also back pain

   Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

   Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   When I was a kid we used to keep our Facebook accounts secure with a lock and key we used to call a diary.

   The man who never apologizes, wants an apology. The irony is strong with this one.

   I'm no longer afraid to say that I loved Milli Vanilli's songs!.....or whoever it was that perform their songs.

   At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?

   I discovered that growing up in the '60's was more fun than being in my 60's...

   Disgusting! The Toronto Raptors are in the NBA finals. This is all Obama's fault!

   Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.

   Mother Goose Haiku: Old Mother Hubbard Looked in cupboard for dog food Nothing for that dog.

   Cardi B is a former stripper. Prime example of why the expression “Don’t quit your day job” was created.

   On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!

   Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

   My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.