Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Canadian thanksgiving this weekend. Don’t forget to eat a beaver.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

   Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.

   "Let the bodies hit the floor" sounds like a sequel to "It's raining men"

   Permanently deleted my Facebook account and going back to the old way of social networking called talking.

   We bought an 82 inch TV. Football: awesome Porn: terrifying

   Ladies, if he is calling you a 10/10 he calling you a 1. Do the math!

   I really don't care if he runs this country into the ground. As long as he pisses off the libs.

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.

   Just to be clear, since some people are so dense to understand this, we don't hate cops, we only hate the corrupted ones.

   You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Ever notice that adding "after hours" or "after dark" to anything makes it sexy? Walmart after hours Walmart after dark Almost anything...

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

   tag: “dry clean only” me: single-use garment? what a waste

   Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them. Always finish what you start.

   Me: *cutting fingernails* Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

   Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

   It looks like Turkey did take Trump's economy threat seriously. Gee, what a surprise.