Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   There's an update available for my Vuvuzela app on my phone. I bet now, rather than making a noise, it just says "You"re a douchebag!"

   Why do people reply to me in other languages? I don't know wtf you're saying. I only speak three languages: English, Parseltounge

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   Tonight right before LeBron makes his announcement, Kayne West is going to jump on stage, grab the mic, and say "LeBron, LeBron.. You're a great ball player, but Michael Jordan is the best of all time." Then jump off stage.

   How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

   got so bored that I decided to take a crap for no reason

   its so hot, I just saw a bird blow a worm before it ate it

   I will say one thing about Lady GaGa. She wears stuff that even Boy George wouldn't be caught out in public in.

   trying very hard to be the person her doctor medicates her to be.

   Any views which are expressed and any similarity of persons portrayed to any actual persons living or dead in the following status message is purely incidental...

   met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...

   Girls are superheros cause who else could bleed for 5 days and not die!?

   If you're going to have two faces, you'd think you'd make one of them attractive

   DAMN! Its a preview of Hell outside today!!!

   Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

   Don't hate me for being me, hate yourself for not being me!

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   There's a reason why the word semen falls smack dab in the middle of amusement!

   Before you send me any sick jokes about that murderer in the North East don't bother. It's not even rauolmoatly funny.