Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

   I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.

   I can think of 6 reasons why I should sleep with this guy and I can count those reasons on his stomach.

   "I'm not drunk!" is an argument only very drunk people think they can win

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   The girl is mine, Life's a b*tch so the whole world is mine.

   Want World Peace?? Replace oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!?

   If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   Death, bring back Kurt Cobain,Freddy Mercury,Bob marley,Jerry garcia,Jim Morrison (Doors),Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon,Bradley Nowell,Shannon Hoon,Janis Joplin,Paul Gray(Slipknot),Tupac, BIggie Smalls,Big Pun, Eazy E. Take any1 from Pop radio in exchange

   annoying heat; it's not the heat, its the stupidity...

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   finds it funny in the movie "did you her about morgans" sarah jessica parker is chasing a horse its like Pepé Le Pew chasing the cat

   soooooo high.. that he/she can hear heaven )O.o(

   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

   If there was a tornado coming the first thing I'd do is update my status, If I'm not on here for awhile I'm not alive.... :P