Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", What does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

   Insurance is the only thing we pay for, bit are afraid to use......... Brilliant!!!!

   There's a photographer traveling around the world taking pictures of the worlds oldest people. Isn't Larry King on television?

   got a phone call reminder from the dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.

   "Now if I could just figure out something to do with my hands, I'd be set!" - Every white guy while dancing, ever.

   I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   Falling in love is like getting drunk. you wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you'll never drink again ;-)*

   I wish my lawn was goth so it would cut itself.

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   ending every sentence with "I'm Batman" instantly makes everything you say sound bad ass."

   Dreams of moving to India or Pakistan.....and becoming a Taxi driver

   PMS + GPS = Crazy biotch that WILL find you.

   thinks it's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?

   In the past, people got fired putting that they hate their job on facebook. well I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! --hope this works for me.