SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I've applied for a job at the DMV so I can be the one who decides who can have a license and who will f***ing walk.

   I think the smartest, most original thing a person can talk about is how early the Christmas decorations are up this year.

   In my experience, passionately singing Phil Collins will clear a room.

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   "Nonexistent" is my new favorite word. It describes so many things about my life!

   Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been 6 hours since my last tweet, and in that time I had thoughts I didn't share.

   If it's consistency you're shooting for, it's pretty simple to disappoint all of the people all of the time.

   There's a good chance that any empty can you see rolling along the sidewalk is just Patrick Swayze's ghost learning how to move objects.

   I don't deal well with good-byes. I'm better with good-riddances.

   I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.

   My Native American name would be "Tweets While Driving".

   Hello there, dear. I see that you've dressed up as Daddy Issues again this year. Allow me to help...

   When I think about snow, it's a lot like thinking about sex. I want to ride it, bask in its glory, & go down on it.

   My girlfriend would be a great success on the Parole Board. She never lets anyone finish a sentence.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   Life and beer are very similar........chill for best results.