Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That’s not my fanny pack. That’s my stomach.

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   Cardi B's music hits different when you turn it off

   Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?

   Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

   Oh, you have anxiety? Name 5 friends who secretly hate you.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.

   Those were not boos. They were alternative cheers.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.

   Have you ever noticed that lOl looks like a man drowning?

   I don’t win marathons because I’m athletic, I win them because I’m driven

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   There's been a major recall on Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Bring them to my house so I can dispose of them properly.

   If you got haters . They means you are doing something right . World series

   I'm at the World Series game and they showed Trump on the big screen. All I could hear was boos and "lock him up" chants, lol

   This Jesus is King album by Kanye West is the second worst thing to happen to Jesus.