Funny Status Messages

   wishes he knew why his cholesterol number is so high. It's really beginning to...uh, hold on a sec ("Yeah man, throw a little more pepperoni on that thing will ya? Thanks."). Alright, I'm back. So anyway...

   says why is there braille on drive thru atms? Blind people shouldn't be driving!

   Got pulled over doin 71 in a 55. Trooper said, "I've been waitin for you all day".. I replied "Well I got here as fast as I could"...

   just found out red bull has no bull in it -- going back to beef shakes

   Whenever I exit a public toilet, I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting & say "Top that, cowboy."

   If fire escapes were replaced with waterslides people would use them a lot more.

   For most people when you loose your "khakis" you've lost a pair of pants. When you're from Boston and loose your "khakis" you can't start your car

   Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off.

   If you love cats adopt one. If you hate cats support the Chinese cuisine.

   taking my loose change to the club tonight to make it HAIL!

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.

   Until I found Facebook, I had no idea talking to myself could be so entertaining.

   doesn't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   So she "just wants to be friends." Cheer up! That's more than most people want to be with you.

   having a hard time deciding.. Laundry today or Naked tomorrow?

   Sorry, but it was time he ended it. You're both going different directions in life... he's getting taller, and let's face it... you're just getting fatter.

   See! I told you that someone would still find you attractive! At least he's not your real dad.

   Don't be so dramatic! Somebody out there will like you just the way you are. After all... there are plenty of blind guys out there.