Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.

   I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like P. Diddy but it wore of by the morning,

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend me

   planning a vacation to get away from people....see you guys in couple of hours, will facebook hourly to update you guys about my vacation

   I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

   ‎1994 is the worst year ever, Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born

   Yesterday I was 2 away from a threesome. I love college!

   You call that show "Man vs. Food", But I call it "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."

   welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised that we don't have cookies?

   Updating your status at the gym burns a lot of calories.

   Only when the last tree has died, the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money..!!

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   Never steal. The government hates competition.

   I wish my book of life was written in pencil There are a few pages I would like to erase.

   The hardest part about business is minding your own.

   SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

   Paris Hilton thanks fans for their support following cocaine arrest. In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?!

   Trying to figure out how I got this headache...nevermind I just found a receipt telling me.

   reminds you that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver