Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care if it's rude to stare, you are hot, so I will stare.

   Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   Facebook — where you always have something better to do, but don't.

   I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.

   I was just about to say "we're all adults here" in a status update and then I came to my senses.

   You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.

   "I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy." -- J.C. McKay

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.

   I may have been born without the "wait, you shouldn't do that!" gene.

   Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

   Why can we develop silencers for handguns but not vacuums?

   All I want is to find a cool person to hang out with until I drop dead. Not a lot to ask.

   Computers are so advanced that they are almost human; well, except for the fact that they don't blame their mistakes on other computers.

   I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

   Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

   Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them.

   If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.