Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is there a diet version of everything good except chocolate? hmm...where does Hershey's keep their "suggestion box"?

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   The economy is so bad, If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

   flicking Captain Crunch at an evil garden gnome

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   EPIC FAIL: Ripping the easy-open tab right off the last can of chef boyardee ravioli and not having a can opener to back it up."

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   Thinking God's has a great personality, Both my wife and girlfriend are on the rag at the same time.

   my girlfriend is driving me round the bend and daughter is sending me up the wall so if anyone needs me look for me on the neighbours roof ;)

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   make sure your wearing Deodorant when you reaching for the stars.

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   unpeeling the stickers on her Rubix Cube then putting them back on to solve it

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   Taylor Lautner nake- oops...this isn't google.

   Watching Teen Cribs with Miley Cyrus and Doing Lines with Paris Hilton

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.