Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   every summer people try to work on their "summer body" ...i've been working on my winter body for years

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.

   You know your a Volkswagen bus owner when you know how that your "Honk if Any Parts Fall Off" sticker also prevents tailgators.

   You know you're a VW bus owner when you pass a junkyard and always think to yourself "I wonder if they have any parts I could use?"

   You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.

   Reasons to not eat cookies: - there are no cookies - you're trapped under something heavy and can't reach the cookies. End of list

   The line to get beer at this party is horrible, but it's even worse at the punchline!