Funny Status Messages
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Where the heck is that "Polka" button Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordian and am ready to boogie. 
I got stone cold case of the muchies so bad that I'm eating Macaroni and Cheese straight out of the box and chasing it with a glass of milk and butter. So good! I'm tempted to try snorting that powdered cheesy goodness for ultimate processed food high.
If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way.
I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.
peeing on your wall
A priest, a rabbi and a clown walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f****** with? That's me.
I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!
Oh, I`ve got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the hell out of here!"
Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back
Bella: I know what you are. Edward: say it Bella say outloud . Bella: Gay
Death is God's way of saying you are fired. Suicide is your way of saying you cant fire me God,i quit!!
I stepped on a corn flake, now I'm a cereal killer!
It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappearing between the seats. :))
Of course I like you! What do you think this is? Facebook?
on his way to the eye doctor. Hoping for at least a 12.2 megapixel upgrade :)
thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.
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- Q: What did King Kong say to Rosie O'Donnell? A: "Is it in?"
Michael Jackson gets to go to heaven because he was doing things the priest were doing. 