Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

   George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in-mates before having to make hot chocolate for them. He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called 'Wank me off before your cocoa"

   I went to bed last night and my friends count was 557.. I woke up this morning and it was 555.. Jumped back up to 557 for a brief hour and a half then back down to 555.. Will the two fence sitting idiots please make up their mind.. Or I'll make it up for

   You could learn a lot by listening. So shut up and let me talk.

   What do burnt toast and a pregnant woman have in common?... In both cases you'd wished you had pulled out a few seconds earlier.

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies???

   - You gotta take some chances, You gotta risk it all, You gotta close your eyes,` &jump'; 'cause it might be worth the fall..

   I like science. I know for a fact that you have 206 bones, and if you would like one more, I'd be glad to do it.

   Birdie Birdie in the sky did a poopie in my eye. I dont swear I dont cry I'm just glad that cows dont fly

   looking forward to see the date and clock show 10/10/10 10:09

   the last thing you want to feel at your colonoscopy is your doctors hands on your sholders

   I totally think that I am following the A-Team's van right now, I am just waiting for things to just explode around us to confirm, this could be epic

   Ever look at your friend's photos on facebook and think to yourself "She is way too hot to be with that loser!"? Um, me neither. Actually it was a rhetorical question.

   Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!

   Cancel my subscription, cause I'm over your issues!

   Doesn't understand the relationship status "It's complicated". Do you introduce them as friend, stranger or complicated?

   took my dog to sign up for Welfare. The clerk said dogs are not eligible. I said why not?!? He's unemployed, lazy, can't speak English, and dosen't know who his dad is!

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   crane operators have swinging balls

   So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.