Funny Status Messages

   I don't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

   The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?

   My dads in the CIA but I'm not allowed to talk about it or something.

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   Internet killed the video store

   Google Instant is great, but I find it disturbing that "grannies doing young studs" pops up before I finish typing "granola."

   I wish I liked anything as much as I hate you right now.

   Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life.

   I don't know about you but I always go a couple pieces deep when I grab a couple slices of bread from the loaf.

   Oprah needs to buy everyone hot-tubs!

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   God's last name is not Dammit

   On a Highway To Hell.

   Over worked and under f**ked..

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   says "Dyslexics are teople poo"

   I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.