Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 558 of 6383
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
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08-25-2019 16:12
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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08-25-2019 15:50
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.
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08-25-2019 15:49
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I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”
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08-25-2019 15:41 by PongLenis
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airline: will you be checking your bags, sir me: again? I did that three times at home
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08-25-2019 14:07
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Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.
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08-25-2019 14:07
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I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.
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08-25-2019 13:46
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That horseshoe has NO LUCK!
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08-25-2019 09:09
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Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.
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08-25-2019 08:06
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Best moment to sleep: 10% - in the evening. 90% - in the morning.
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08-25-2019 08:04
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These days it is getting hard to tell if it's flirting or trolling.
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08-25-2019 08:03
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Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.
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08-25-2019 08:02
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That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.
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08-25-2019 08:01
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Sometimes waiting for the weekend is better than the weekend itself.
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08-25-2019 08:01
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Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
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08-25-2019 07:57
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I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.
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08-25-2019 07:56
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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08-25-2019 07:49
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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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08-25-2019 07:48
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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08-25-2019 07:46
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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08-25-2019 07:46
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