Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

   Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

   Why don't YOU watch where I'm going?

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   Now lookie here, you big, orange, Moby D*ck!

   It's alright, he's only choking!

   Unless you want to f*ck me, why do you care what I look like?

   How do I set the laser printer to stun?

   I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

   apprantly I told my dog to go to his room until he was ready to talk, thats how drunk I was.

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   The future isn't what it used to be...

   Don't you hate that when it rains people who has an umbrella keep walking underneath the awnings, and let people who doesn't have one get wet? Ugh! I just want to grab the umbrella and put a hole in it!!