Funny Status Messages

   dropped my car off for an ice cream paint job, but they messed up and got it CLEAN on the inside and CREAM on the outside. Idiots.

   feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   so dependent on the Google "did you mean ____?" that I barely bother to spell anything correctly anymore.

   “Playtime is over, worktime has be-gun!” – Stewie Griffin

   was about to put on my white jeans then realized it's after Labour Day. Phew, what a fashion mistake that would have been. I put on my acid washed jeans and leg warmers instead.

   always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   going to have to start following my brain. Clearly, my heart is an idiot.

   ‘s computer is sooo slooow. It must be running Windows B.C.

   Dear Taylor Swift, Kanye took your microphone not your virginity. Let's move on...

   credits Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.

   thought they put covers on books so I COULD judge them.

   The internet: where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the police.

   just watched a show about a person who was addicted to pizza. I believe the technical name for this condition is "normal."

   If you don't like the fire, don't tickle the dragon.

   Give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

   Did you know that if you plug your nose and close your mouth, you can't hum? Try it.

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if I was bad at math, I'd have 62 cents.

   You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   wishes she had a theme song whenever she did something awesome.