Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates driving by people who are texting and driving. It's times like that, that I wish my Subaru came with rocket launchers

   For Sale: 24 pedigree pigeons, call 0161 123 1234 and ask for Tyrone......

   Just seen a scarecrow trying to have a wank..... Poor fucker was clutching at straws !!

   Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?

   Me and a friend have been texting "LOL" back and forth for the last 10 min. Neither 1 of us have anything else to say but don't want to be the rude one not to text back!

   The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Joan Rivers lips.

   In general, girls don't like to be described as “beefy”. Even if you love beef.

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   "Lol" is not a message worth replying to.

   With the rise in social networking which we all enjoy, there is a crucial need for someone to invent and standardise a sarcasm font.

   chick, I wouldn't even poke you with Facebook

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

   wtf? why is Obama meeting with Indians? Thanksgiving is still 3 weeks away!

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history."

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear."

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!"

   So let me get this right, I cant legally smoke marajuana, yet I can go to my local gun store and buy a Semi Automatic Machine Gun, a couple of grenades and all the ammo I want? Now who's the one that's been smoking something here?"

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   "Dont I know you from somewhere?" = The absolute worst thing to say to someone who is robbing you at gunpoint...