Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   told its Erection Day today. I'm wasn't sure if I ever celebrated that holiday in the past, but a waiter at Hong Kong Buffet insisted it was and I better get out and vote.

   Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on eating popcorn while watching TV in the deep woods anytime soon?

   My wife doesn't have a mean bone in her body. More like dorman with rage bones that surface late at night when I come home drunk and try to get her to have sex with me.

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   ~*~What? You didn't understand that? Here, let me break out the crayons and hand puppets and see if we can dumb this down enough for you...

   It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   if you want it sugar coated, go to Dunkin Donuts.

   Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.

   I raised the alarm at work today.The midgets were furious.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   I bought a dog once. Named him Stay. "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old Shotgun. Peter Jones said " And whats your idea?" I replied "It's a simple Concept Peter just put all the Money in the f**king bag!"

   Hello Network Solutions, we have a problem.

   Some people, even in photos, just look like they'll smell.

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.