Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Lisa Rinna's lips.

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on going to war with your AK-47 and your trusty snuggie? Look it has sleeves so you can shoot your self!!

   You couldn't get laid in a womens prison with a handful of pardons!

   Sorry homework - - TV wins again! It is just too temping :)

   best job in the world .... a pillow ,get to lay in bed all day and get head every night

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?

   Only in America would they name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.

   knows you partied too hard the night before when you're eating cereal naked the next day and your girlfriend says: "Put your clothes on". Just then you realize that was not your girlfriend - it's some woman walking her dog.

   thinks the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo, is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   : Microwave broke - time to break out the Easy Bake Oven.

   ‎[citation needed]

   great advice for those seeking to get out of a terrible relationship and tried almost everything: start peeing the bed. But make sure its theirs.

   told its Erection Day today. I'm wasn't sure if I ever celebrated that holiday in the past, but a waiter at Hong Kong Buffet insisted it was and I better get out and vote.

   Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on eating popcorn while watching TV in the deep woods anytime soon?

   My wife doesn't have a mean bone in her body. More like dorman with rage bones that surface late at night when I come home drunk and try to get her to have sex with me.

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   ~*~What? You didn't understand that? Here, let me break out the crayons and hand puppets and see if we can dumb this down enough for you...