Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   know why McDonald's restaurants always smell so bad? 'cause the people that eat there poop there.

   i just found out that turning off all the lights in my house and pretending I'm blind does nothing for my boredom,so then I tried playing pictionary with my dog and cat but they're so STUPID!!

   So....she said I was as smooth as Ken. That's a good thing, right?!?

   Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   wondering when Hallmark will make a greeting card for the Single men for there Holiday you Know PALM SUNDAY !!

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!

   I can't stand it when someone use's an apostrophe "s" to make a word plural. It drive's me nut's!

   Feeling a little horny today. I think my check-engine light is ON.

   My catholic priest molested your honor roll student.

   I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

   MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!!! The fact that you have a "Baby on Board" sign in your back window does not exempt you from getting your ass rammed if you insist on driving 55mph in the left lane...regardless of the posted speed. You have been warned.

   Happy Birthday USMC! Thank you to all our vets and active soldiers :)

   I just bought some Axe Body wash and now my balls are sqeeky clean too!

   One for all and all of one..Translation- Every man for himself!!!

   "This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird stuff on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a brain.

   Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

   instead of complaining about the crappy posts here, lets see if you can do any better!!!

   I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

   I didn't practice abstinence, I perfected it.