Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear makers of Cialis, when I reach middle age and find myslef needing your product, contrary to the advice you offer about calling a doctor if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, I can assure you that I will be calling a film crew instead

   I think They should make a Pregnancy app. You just pee on your phone and it tells you if you are pregnant. Your move apple!

   tired of reading pregnancy and baby updates EVERYDAY! I don't care if they slept for 4 hours or had their first poopy diaper!

   Facebook pet peeve #2037: Friends who announce their status as "single" after being in a long term relationship... to be followed 2 days later with the status "is in a relationship" really? that didnt take long...

   "Oprah tips homeless dude $100" ...20 min. later, homeless dude's crack dealer: "where you get the Benjamin, homie?"

   you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole

   Wow, Christmas parties invitations are starting to arrive... grrrr... shut up liver!

   Student + dying = studying

   Slayed so many dragons, and still no damn princess.

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   Obama went to India, Indonesia, South Korea... and still hasn't found the birth certificate??

   New Kids on the Block teaming up with Backsteet Boys? Um, I'll take crappy singing groups that were relevant 20 years ago Alex.

   Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant

   We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm. Thanks to all who served and are still serving our nation.

   Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

   There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.

   Many people are not smart enough to understand their own stupidity

   A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers

   Life is too short to care about being skinny. I LOVE FOOD. Plus, there's plenty of time to be skinny when I'm dead.:-)

   You know those packets that come in beef jerky to keep it fresh? I just ate one... And it wasnt half bad..