Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 551 of 6446

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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01-02-2020 10:44
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My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.
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01-02-2020 06:51
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Never trust a woman born on her birthday
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01-02-2020 06:28
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New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.
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01-02-2020 05:41 by Fazzy
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Making love is like baking a cake...most men don't know how to work the stove
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01-02-2020 04:03 by Eddy
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Thought I’d do a little shopping on this day off and I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everyone is dressed so last decade.
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01-01-2020 15:11
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New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."
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01-01-2020 13:04 by Fazzy
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With the new year my plan is to conquer a mountain! also known as finish folding the clean cloths piling up on top of the dryer.
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01-01-2020 12:37 by Moon
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20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!"
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01-01-2020 11:33
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Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"
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01-01-2020 10:23 by Moon
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Just when I was getting use to writing 2019
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01-01-2020 10:11 by Moon
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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01-01-2020 09:45
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Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
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01-01-2020 09:37
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Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.
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01-01-2020 08:03
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I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.
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01-01-2020 07:59
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I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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01-01-2020 06:04
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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01-01-2020 05:52
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I have been called annoying, not once, not twice, not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not ten times not eleven times not twelve times not thirteen times not even 14 times._.
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01-01-2020 02:11 by Luka
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Last year my New Year's resolution was to loss 30 lbs and now that we're about to ring in another New Year I'm happy to say that I've only got 40 more pounds to go!
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12-31-2019 23:04 by Moon
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Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to bend them in half until they break, and then shake the s*** out of them until their light turns on.
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12-31-2019 19:10
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