Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 551 of 6446

I don't understand why tan suits enrages people. Maybe, I'm too sane to understand it.
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01-02-2020 14:31
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Just cleaned out my friends list and for the first time in my life I finally know what they meant in Auld Lang Syne when they wrote "Should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind"
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01-02-2020 12:23 by Moon
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Big deal Times Square. I drop the ball at least 3 times a week.
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01-02-2020 10:59
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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01-02-2020 10:44
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My New Year's resolution for 2002 is to make fewer typographical errors.
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01-02-2020 06:51
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Never trust a woman born on her birthday
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01-02-2020 06:28
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New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.
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01-02-2020 05:41 by Fazzy
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Making love is like baking a cake...most men don't know how to work the stove
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01-02-2020 04:03 by Eddy
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Thought I’d do a little shopping on this day off and I feel like I’m stuck in a time warp. Everyone is dressed so last decade.
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01-01-2020 15:11
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New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."
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01-01-2020 13:04 by Fazzy
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With the new year my plan is to conquer a mountain! also known as finish folding the clean cloths piling up on top of the dryer.
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01-01-2020 12:37 by Moon
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20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!"
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01-01-2020 11:33
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Time to lose a little weight from the holidays with my guaranteed to work weight loss program that's called "Log Out of Facebook"
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01-01-2020 10:23 by Moon
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Just when I was getting use to writing 2019
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01-01-2020 10:11 by Moon
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
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01-01-2020 09:45
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Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
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01-01-2020 09:37
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Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.
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01-01-2020 08:03
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I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.
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01-01-2020 07:59
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I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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01-01-2020 06:04
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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01-01-2020 05:52
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