Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 551 of 6383
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
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08-27-2019 18:25
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Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
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08-27-2019 18:25
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."
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08-27-2019 18:24
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At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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08-27-2019 18:24
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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08-27-2019 18:24
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[at a restaurant] Her: I’m going with meatloaf Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
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08-27-2019 18:23
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children. Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
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08-27-2019 18:23
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I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.
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08-27-2019 16:16
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My alarm clock is set to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can turn it off and sleep more.
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08-27-2019 16:16
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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08-27-2019 16:12
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Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.
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08-27-2019 15:34
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its never too late to go back to bed.
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08-27-2019 15:30
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I don't go on Facebook much so Dave, if you're seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year's party, hope you had fun dude.
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08-27-2019 15:06
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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08-27-2019 15:05
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*at psychic reading* Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time Me: Ooh you're good
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08-27-2019 13:52
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*erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
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08-27-2019 13:51
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When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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08-27-2019 13:50
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1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.
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08-27-2019 13:48
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Psychos who stop at roundabouts when there’s no one coming; stop. I mean go.
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08-27-2019 13:47
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Drinking recklessly used to mean tequila until 4 am. Now its coffee after 5 pm.
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08-27-2019 13:45
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