Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have always woundered why people bang their heads against brick walls..... then I met you

   Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass

   Hey, Remember that time I told you I thought you were cool? I LIED.

   trying to think of someplace to fly to...that pat down thing might not be so bad! I mean...I AM past 50 so pats and excitement like that come far and few between

   features more cowbell than legally allowed in seven countries

   swears he heard a chinese say something along the lines: "Are you harbouring a fugitive?" These are the exact words: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

   Parachute for sale. Used once. Never opened. Small stain.

   You can get anything from your man ladies just gag

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   ROMANTIC IDEA: Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick the stars on the roof above your bed to spell out a message such as "I Love You" When the lights go down, your message will be revealed!

   Just pulled out!...........Yep, I decided to pull out of the 2012 presidential race. Sorry america.

   The nice thing about being overweight is, if challenged, you can crush the competition....on a lighter note, you can then finish your donut......

   Well aren't you just a waste of 2 billion years of evolution?

   Go Fish is more fun to play if you add "yourself" to the end of saying it.

   you are not big boned, you are fat . . . Bones don't jiggle!

   this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .

   knows that the bird is a word.

   thinks Katy Perry should be offered as a flavor at Baskin Robbins.

   today I saw a duck with a garbage bad around its neck, but instead of helping him, I sang the theme song for dark wing duck.

   says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."