Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man's bathroom is his fortress of solitude and the toilet is his throne.

   I am working on writing a new Dr.Suess book..."The Retailer Who Stole Thanksgiving." "He didn't care if he got to eat the jello-o cranberry ring, just so long as he got to hear the cash register sing..."

   Oh how that evil ball of hydrogen and helium punishes me on the way home from work with its larger than life flaming brilliance.

   I am afraid that the only way to motivate me to do something, is to absolutely forbid me from doing whatever it is you wish to have done. I refer to this as the big red shiny button theorem.

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I didnt forget, I just didnt remember.

   I am looking forward to my daughter being done with her I-Don't-Like-Daddy Phase. I'm running out of things to clean with her toothbrush.

   I'm long, and I'm strong. And I'm down to get the friction on.

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents. :)

   Everyday is like Thanksgiving for me... people always give me "The Bird" and tell me to "Stuff It!"

   love the smell of cap gun smoke in the morning.

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   you ever drink so much when your sitting on the coach and you start looking for a seatbelt.

   Please hold while I put on my "Gosh I really care" face.

   already on the naughty list. Santa... I can explain.

   BREAKING NEWS: After realizing just how invasive the TSA screeners have become, the White House has ordered that they will no longer be managed by Homeland Security. Instead, they've been given to the IRS.

   my daughter asked my wife if I loved her, mommys responses was, "yes dear, daddy loves everyone...he is on prozac"

   I'm so broke, cockroaches don't want to live with me.

   dear inventor of 5 hour energy. please make a coffee flavor drink so I can add it to my coffee

   Somewhere, instilled in my mind, there is something that tells me that while playing video games if I press harder on the buttons or turn the controller I will be able to run faster, jump higher, turn quicker, or just plain play better. I don't get it. T