Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.

   You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath.

   Just about all husbands lie on their tax returns by listing them self as head of household.

   I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.

   Fact checking is hate speech!

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

   Me come to US of A to kill moose and squirrel. Somehow me marry fat, old, rich guy who never shutting up and live too long.

   1719: We can only pray the harvest will provide enough food to last the winter. Now: They had a sale on the 15 pound tubs of peanut butter at Costco, so I got 4.

   Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

   I can't stand little kids, I know I was once one. But seriously can't stand them...

   This just in… Harry has taken a job at Subway. He will now be referred to as “The Sandwich Artist Formerly Known as Prince”.

   Here is a way to get rid of your unwanted junk. Pack it in an Amazon box, and place it on the porch.

   This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.

   I'm starting this new decade off right by being more environmentally conscious towards everything I do like using napkins made out of 100% recycled material exclusively available for a great price at Chipotle.

   Hey if you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.

   Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.

   To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".