Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking about starting a 80s themed oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   If you watch "Groundhog Day" backwards, its basically the same except Bill Murray doesn't get the girl at the end.

   just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident!!!

   I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.

   Note to self: After applying Icy Hot, make sure to wash hands before going to the bathroom!!

   Please don't say you just had a newborn baby. If you say you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. No one thinks you just pushed a 12 year old out of your snatch.

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!

   Ahhhhh.coffee...I think coffee must contain an ingredient that makes you tolerate BS. That's probably why employers usually give it away for free all day :)

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!

   now that the FB font is smaller, less of my friends will notice my witty status updates and posts.

   If you are drunk, and you get bitten by a mosquito. Since alcohol is in your blood, I wonder what that does to the mosquito...Things that make you go hmm...Be Breezy

   Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote..

   I go where I please...and I please where I go.

   I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of gum

   I plan to open a pancake house in Japan called Japancakes.

   You know your ugly when you have more pictures of your family then yourself ' Haha

   next time my name is in your mouth I hope you choke on it ass =)

   realized that if no one can reach you.....you never have to waste time returning phone calls.