Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.

   I have a small request to make to you. Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on a holiday.

   Ur mama is so ugly when she walks past the bathroom the toilet flushes itself.

   ok, so what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh!

   And ps... you should'nt sing a song with an "s" in the title if you have a lithp!

   Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.

   heard that the new George W Bush book is a pop-up picture book. At first I laughed, then I realized it made perfect sense. My professors always taught me "write for your audience". So kudos Gdub. Mission accomplished...

   I'm not a tease. I just sobered up thats all.

   What do you call a pig with 3 eyes...??? A Piiig!...Stupid yes, but you know you'll tell it.

   I read at the end of the 20th century all Blacks were offered exodus from US slavery the only requirement was a boat ride back to Africa. But we know how blacks feel about water, ergo: they stayed!

   My Mom just said "I'm still hot! It just comes in flashes!"

   Having lunch with a man named Jack... Jack Daniels

   I finally friended my wife on Facebook to get updates on our relationship.

   Dear automatic paper towel dispenser mechanic, could you please program this nifty devise to dispense more than just enough paper towel to dry my pinky..... Thanks!

   GOVERMENT: The subtle name given to a large mafia, taking protection money and a good per...centage of your paycheck just for living on their turf.

   wondering if you knew the the bird IS the word

   The good thing about multiple personalities is that if you collect enough of them you're prepared for any situation

   on this Veterans Day, president Obama is in Indonesia. Shouldn't he be at Arlington honoring the Vets??

   A Careless Man: What the Bush Memoir Reveals

   . No, "Thank You" isn't a lot to say outwardly, but it's all I CAN say when all other words fail me. Thank You....endlessly.