Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.

   Everyday I hear people say they would to take a break and get some fresh air. So, this year I'm wrapping some up in boxes and giving as Christmas gifts.

   My Nephew asked me about getting women .I said it helps if you are quite big down there and that maybe he should shove a cucumber down his pants.He came back to me and said all the girls laughed at him,Maybe I should have told him to put it in the front.

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   Happy wife.. Happy life!

   if you listen very carefuly you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   Ah yes, the first real snow storm of the year... where 1/4 of drivers simultaneously gain an amazing ability to jam their heads up someplace uncomfortable.

   This Wiki Leaks is getting out of control -- They just leaked Santa's christmas list.

   I would kill for a nobel peace price

   #‎43210 I don't really even know who you are. You friend requested me and we know some of the same people- unless you really don't know them either. but you seem nice enough, I suppose.

   wondering what's the deal with Lokos. Beer flavored Kool-Aid? Grow up and drink liquor.

   Really? Snooki is going to be IN the ball as it descends on NYE?!? And the cast of the Jersey Shore will lead a fist pump? Does Al Qaeda have a request line??

   Wow!! Scientists have created mice from two males. Sadly, the mice cannot ask, nor tell, about it. ....

   it's funny how the ;) can make anything seem dirty................

   #192.168.1.1 I'm only friends with you because you're too stupid to secure your router ;)

   Life gives guys a lot of lemons, but life gives girls a set of melons.

   wonders why - while changing your clothes at the YMCA - old men have to flaunt and swing their wrinkled junk around? Its like they're trying to prove their manhood or attempting to iron out the wrinkles, I'm not sure.

   thinks anyone caught wikileaking in public should be prosecuted.

   Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smartphones

   growing up we all had that one friend that would raid your fridge and eat all the good snacks when all you did was offer them a drink. I was that friend